Tonight was the night I went out with the cast and some friends after the show to Jack's and paid for $8 with a $20 and got no change back because the waitress didn't want to deal with charging us properly. Everyone left except Kelsey, Clyde, and Pascal, who waited and tried to help me resolve it, but I don't think they actually alleviated much confusion. Finally the manager just gave me the $12 change.

Tonight was the night it looked like Kelsey and Clyde might be toying with the idea of pairing up, and there was something that was enough to get me kind of dark-eyed, to see what looked like them starting to hook up right at this time for me to watch it. But the problem with Kelsey comes when she opens her mouth. She talks too loud and ditzy and annoying. But she might be a real sweetie to nuzzle up to. And after all, I remember his last girlfriend Jo was annoying and ditzy and stupid, but a difference was that she was "dirty" and Kelsey is "wholesome." It seemed by the end of the evening maybe Clyde had cooled his attitude toward Kelsey. That was also after I ran my hand across his back as I passed him. But I am prepared to face the possibility that he might go for someone else and that he doesn't want me.

After the manager gave me the $12, we went outside and stood for an hour and a half talking about nothing. Me, Clyde, Kelsey, and Pascal. Under a tree. In a driveway. After a wet, rainy day. About pets and bad movies. We had a movie conversation.

I asked if we were going to stand under a tree, and Pascal said, "Does anyone want to come to my place to watch Dune?" and I said "Yes." But apparently he didn't actually want that and slithered past it and we stood in the wet, cool driveway until 2:30 a.m.

I thought we might go back to the theatre since we had the key and the alarm code. Or to someone's place, or to sit down a few paces away. But I didn't suggest it since I knew as soon as I did that the party would more than likely break up since no one ever goes with my suggestions.

Pascal is a good guy and extremely obese and unhealthy and smart and clever and funny and sagacious and would probably make a great boyfriend for someone. When I stand in a foursome and realize that I am one of the two women and we are both hot for Clyde, and how I naturally feel that I'm the least likely of the two to get his affection, and here on my right is Pascal who is a really admirable guy in his own right, perhaps even more natural and personable than Clyde, only I came to know Clyde first and got all involved with him before I had a good chance to get to know Pascal, and I find Clyde so physically astounding and Pascal is only somewhat attractive to me. But when standing in that foursome and considering the circumstances, it just seems all wrong.

I tell myself not to get too attached to what's going on right now. I have to be ready to give it all up when the play is over, like I'm just on a ride. I've had no problems, really, accepting the idea for myself that I love Clyde and that that is part of my state of being at this time in my life. Sure, I wish he had been more attentive to me tonight, in a romantic sort of way. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if he were intentionally being not too flirtatious with either of us so as to not offend the one spurned.

For a platonic evening, tonight was very nice.

previous - next

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Last Five

- - Sunday, Feb. 27, 2005
audience survey - Friday, Feb. 18, 2005
the first hug - hell, it only took 2 years to get a hug - Saturday, Feb. 12, 2005
Brad loves his wife - Tuesday, Feb. 08, 2005
restraints - Sunday, Feb. 06, 2005