Tonight I went to see the play my Dad was in. I didn't see him until after the show, but I guess he knew I was there. After the show I waited until the house had emptied and went onto the stage to see what this lighting effect was that Evan had used.

After that, my brother and I left the theatre and went to the street entrance to the stage door. We waited and all the actors came out one by one, and I greeted the ones I knew, and then Dad had just come out and was talking to us when Henry came out behind him, saw that we were talking, and lit a cigarette. Knowing my boy, I was afraid that if I waited too long to acknowledge him, he'd walk off and leave. So as soon as I could I made to see him and walked past Dad with arms up. I saw happiness and excitement in his face, and I HUGGED MY SWEETIE!!! Excuse me, I lost my composure there for a second, but it's just it's the first time we ever hugged, and I've wanted to for so long and been scared, but I was pretty sure it'd make him happy and what I saw was that it did. Ahh! And we stayed there together and chatted a bit. First words out of his mouth, actually, were 'how are you' that I was so sick last time he saw me. For like 5 minutes about 2 weeks ago, but he was on it, I was impressed and thought, I've been on his mind. His words reminded me what I would have forgotten to ask even though I really wanted to know how his Mom's recuperation was going. Now a couple days ago I asked Dad if he had talked much to Henry and if he knew how Henry's Mom was doing - Dad didn't know anything about it. But I wondered if he would go in and mention to Henry that I had asked. Anyway, he said it was pretty much the same now as it was last time we saw each other - he still has to take care of her every day. I really hated it for him and her both. In fact when I asked him to join my brother, father and myself for a couple drinks, he said he had to go home to "clean pins" and explained that his Mom has these pins sticking out of her arm and that by the end of the day they get covered with fluid. I lamented that there was no way I could help him. He said "It is what it is" at the same time I said, "I guess it just has to be done." He laughed, his hair's growing pretty long. I noticed that everyone standing out there was smoking a cigarette except of course me, and Henry said that he had quit smoking, until his mother's accident. You know, I used to notice that Henry never smoked around me, not after meals or any other time that smokers smoke, and used to skip smoke breaks sometimes in order to (I hoped) spend break with me, things like that that made me figure he had more control of his smoking, even that he could quit if he wanted to, and maybe wasn't a very heavy smoker. But he says the stress of his Mom's accident and he just said, "Fuck it, I'm not quitting now." If ever my attention was pulled away to greet someone else, he would pull it back and I was willingly pulled. Anyway, that was pretty much it, a pretty brief encounter and not much of substance was said, and when you consider all the so-called friendly types who rushed past me, like Ada, for example, with only a "hello" but no ceremony, and

I make him happy. La!

And now I have no idea if I'll see him again before MAY.

Though I have an idea for a phone call or text message or something in a week or two.

We're never going to happen. Should we? If not him, then there's no one else and what have I been going gaga about for all this time?

Finally saw Chris today for the first time in 2005 - I only saw him briefly and then looked away before he saw me see him. Before Christmas, after our last day together, I e-mailed him and told him to let me know when he came to see my show in February. The one that just opened, and I haven't heard from him, and figure it's quite possible that - well, he has no intention of looking me in the face ever again. See what life has taught me. So, I pretended I hadn't seen him so as to let him decide whether to come say hi or not. Maybe he didn't see me there. Or maybe he thinks I'll be there next week. But I won't.

I only speak of Chris because he is the first thought in answer to the question, if Henry and I are not to be, then who? Or can you appreciate life as a woman and a virgin without a "prospect" or a love interest? Or is it possible that someone else could come out of the woodworks from somewhere?

But why celebrate the apparent amity between Henry and yourself with doubt and hopelessness? I will enjoy it for tonight. I just see a future of frustration missing him, of falling back to a place it took us too long to get past...

Hey, I mean, you know, it also, it feels more real and less VR. Little by little.

previous - next

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Last Five

- - Thursday, May. 24, 2007
- - Sunday, Feb. 27, 2005
the first hug - hell, it only took 2 years to get a hug - Saturday, Feb. 12, 2005
connections - Tuesday, Jan. 25, 2005
worm turned - Sunday, Jan. 16, 2005